Dreams, Fears, and Loss of Control
I hate going to sleep. When I am awake, I am in control of everything: from my actions, to my emotions, to my thoughts. Everything can be just how I like it and my state of mind is completely under my command. But when the night comes, when the time to surrender myself to my subconscious arrives, I am left defenseless. I don’t know how to handle anything..
Tonight, I had a nightmare. I won’t go fully into the details of the nightmare, but when I awoke, I just felt so much fear. And just like at the end of all my nightmares that wake me in the darkest parts of the night, when my eyes shoot open in the black and the quiet, my mind just bombards me with every damn thing that ever kept me up in the night, every creeping fear that I know I am ill-equipped to deal with.
It makes me wonder why I read all those scary stories and watched all those freaky movies. But that shouldn’t be the problem! I should be able to go to sleep despite my stupid, irrational fear. It’s sad that it only takes one bad dream to remember why I decided to stop dreaming so long ago, and now I wish I could wake up and never remember what I dreamed in the moments before, just in case those dreams trigger the part of my mind that wants to see me lose control.
The thing I hate most about this all is that if there wasn’t someone else in the room, I know I’d lose it and not be able to get back to sleep. I guess some childhood fears are here to stay, reminding me of how helpless I can feel, even inside my own head.